Oh, Canada
Here is my report from the front lines of the Canadia. The Canadians are war-mongers because they are all massing at the US border, preparing for attack. They seem to be living normal lives, but everything they do is in preparation for all out war on the US. I can tell by the look in their eyes and, they ALL SPEAK FRENCH!
When I flew over the enemy lines, the first thing I noticed was how industrial everything looked. It was one massive military-industrial complex. The buildings were all lined up and the same size and shape. It was very communistic. Even the highways were straight as arrows...except for the times when the road "jogged" to one side. Sort of like the incompetent military engineers realized, half way through construction, that they were off the mark and just shifted everything to get it lined up again. I'm convinced this is some sort of ploy to confuse our pilots when the inevitable counter attack bombings occur.
It was also much warmer than I had been told. My ultimate destination was Prince Edward Island, which is supposed to be bad. The propagandists in Canada always say how cold it is an how snowy it is. Well, there was only a little snow and the temperature hovered just above freezing. Not nearly as bad as we've been told. Just another Canadian lie to keep us from learning more about them.
They also have "self-defense" armories. I'd buy that, but the things are everywhere. I'd wager that every Canadian is within 200 feet of a gun at all times. I don't think they are very good shots though. I played pool with a few of them and they weren't very good. Unless, of course, this was just another con job to keep me from being suspicious.
I also saw lots of cool looking cows. They certainly didn't look angry or mad to me. Again, just another bit of propaganda to keep us out of their country. A couple of the cows did look a little annoyed, but nothing approaching mad.
There are also mysterious giant tire/snowmen everywhere. These are large, 20 foot tall snowman looking statues that are made of tires and wrapped in white plastic. I can't believe anyone would go to all that effort unless there was some underlying evil intent.
There are lighthouses all over Canada, except they are camoflauged. They look nothing like a lighthouse. They are shaped funny and very short. The are also all over the place. I think they are all laser beams, waiting to blind out troops.
In short, the Canadians are very, very scary and we should anhilate them at the earliest possible time. Screw Syria and N. Korea, the Canadians are much more dangerous. Axis of Evil my ass, we've got evil just to the north.
posted by Chris Farley @ 6:30 PM
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