Best day off excuse ever
I woke up this morning feeling great. Lots of sleep, good coffee and a bagel. As usual, I pushed the button for the garage door, then went inside to get my jacket, lunch, etc. As I returned to the garage, I noticed something quite odd. It wasn't hard to notice, being that it was standing proudly in the middle of my garage, licking grass off of the lawn mower. It was a rather average looking cow.
This came as only a minor shock. There is a farm about 100 yards away, so I immediately assumed this little heffer simply escaped. I went back inside to grab the phone book for animal control. Being a native of a small town, I assumed this town had a farm registry for escaped cows and someone would come retrieve it. I was right. A very grumpy sounding woman answered the phone and said someone would be over and also told me it was okay to shoo the cow out of the garage.
I went to the garage with my electric fly swatter. It looks like a tennis racket and has a small charge running through the face to zap insects. I figured this would be quite effective on the cow to get it moving in a direction out and away from my garage.
With grim determination and my sadistic streak in full swing, I swung open the door to face down the evil invading cow...only to discover that it had multiplied. It may have actually multiplied twice, though I'm not sure cows can even count. Nonetheless, there were now FOUR cows in my garage. Faced with such overwhelming numbers, my determination waivered, but my anger took over and I waded in, ready to defend my lawnmower from the indignity of being licked clean by a small herd of cattle.
It was then that I realized there was something larger occurring. Apparently, there wasn't just an escape, there was a mass exodus. There are no less than 32 cows roaming my neighborhood, mostly congregated near my house. One of them is lying comfortably under the trampoline, five are happily munching on my front yard and the neighbor's flower bed (he's quite annoyed, as he spent six hours planting all those geraniums) and another has taken a keen interest in my wifes car, though I'm not exactly certain why. Man cannot know the thoughts of cows.
I managed to chase the four cows out of my garage. The electric swatter was quite effective. Though they are milling about on the road now and the construction crews are starting to arrive. I think the brick layers are afraid of cows. There are seven of them packed into a truck that hasn't moved in about 15 minutes.
Obviously, I'll have to stay home today to manage the eradiction of the bovine infestation. Hopefully, I'll get some free steaks out of this.
posted by Chris Farley @ 8:52 AM
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