Sunday, January 23, 2005

The Week in Review

Feminists across the world were incensed by the remarks of Harvard University President Lawrence Summers. Summers indicated that females were weaker and suggested that innate differences between the sexes could help explain why fewer women succeed in science and math careers. The remarks caused Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) biologist Nancy Hopkins, to walk out. She later told reporters she would have "either blacked out or thrown up" if she had remained. Hopkins added, "I would have loved to debate him on this point, but, I was too weak to continue. Women are strong...unless they are too weak to continue and feel faint or are on our period."

Peace protesters at the Presidential Inaugeration were furious that the only press they got was for beating up counter protesters. At the Inaugeral parade, members of DAWN, a peace activist group, beat and kicked a man carrying a pro-Bush sign. An unidentified, masked peace protester was quoted as saying, "we are totally against war and violence, but this guy really pissed me off, so I had to stomp him. It is unfortunate that all the good we did by protesting Bush's unhumanitarian and unjustified war was undone by the press covering only the violent aspects of a largely peaceful protest. We should take out those damn reporters next time so only our message of peace can get through."

In other Inaugeration news, President Bush's speech caused uproar on both sides of the political aisle. His speech was mainly a repeat of President John F. Kennedy's speech, with it's message of spreading freedom and liberty throughout the world, and the courage and conviction of the American people to do it. The main problem seemed to be that Bush generally means what he says and will most likely take action on his own words. Whereas Kennedy was just trying to get laid by sounding both insightful and macho.

Professional hockey players held a new round of negotiations...but none of the people who can make decisions were there, so no one really cares.

Condoleeza Rice was due to be confirmed on the same day of the Inaugeration, but was delayed when senator Robert Byrd refused to agree with a unanimous consent vote. Byrd gave some lame excuse about wanting to debate the nomination. Democrats defended Byrd's decision. House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi said, "Senator Byrd just wants to ensure adequate discussion occurs. This has nothing to do with Ms. Rice being black or Senator Byrd's former membership in the Ku Klux Klan." Republicans were also understanding of Byrd's position. Dennis Hastert was quoted as saying, "we don't think it has anything to do with him being a Klansman. We just think he is so old that he forgot what the vote was for and needed to get a briefing from his aids." That briefing may take a while, as Byrd has refused to talk to any staff member with the title of "aids" for fear of catching the HIV virus.

Finally, our standard item about the United Nations not actually doing anything but taking credit for everyone elses efforts while the diplomats enrich themselves and take posh vacations so they can study nearby tragedies and create 3000 page plan of action papers. We will note that the UN actually deployed two helicopters to the tsunami devestated areas to assist with the relief effort by shuttling diplomats and reporters to the hardest hit areas for proper photo-ops.

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