Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I know who I am.

Okay, I'll bite. Frank J. at IMAO has decided we should all put up our credentials. I'm game, so without any further BS on my part, my answers to:

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I'm so pretty, oh, so pretty. I'm so pretty and witty and bright.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

I am a $75 per hour whore, better known as a computer consultant. Just above lawyer on the pond scum food chain.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I worked for my high school newspaper - I was the guy that got to interview the principal and the town mayor...though I was very stoned and don't remember much. Except for that time that the mayor turned into a lizard and started speaking in heiroglyphs. I still can't figure out how he pulled that off.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

I don't like to get ink on my hands and there is a rubber glove shortage in my area, so no, I don't read them...just the headlines I can see through the glass on the little dispenser machine thingies.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

Oh, this one I got nailed. Yes, I watch the naked news every night, though between the nudity and the jiggling of my bed, I don't catch much.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

Do Howard Stern and the XM comedy channel count as talk radio?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

Fax? Hah, reviewing faxes is billable work...and the income tax rebate checks are all used up, so I usually just shred them.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Well, mostly because it is fun and makes me feel all powerful - like Superman and Spiderman - only in pajamas instead of tights.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I have a passport, it isn't mine, but I do have one. I also have an MSN passport, but I don't use it much, since they are a bunch of liberal weenies.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

YES! I've been to both Los Angeles and New York City, plus Canada, Mexico, France, Germany, Italy, England, Phillipines and Washington, D. C. I consider hick a compliment. I'm glad you understand that I can take you out with a high powered rifle from a thousand yards, then gut you, skin you, mount your head and turn you into a very tasty road kill stew. Chili powder makes everything tasty.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

I did my time. Six years as a Navy Corpsman. My wife did 19 as an officer. I am permanently recallable due to my medical training. Part of that "back-door-draft" you guys always bitch about. I'll be happy to go when my number is called. And, just to prove a point, on March 5, my wife will be going to Bagdad for four months in her current job with the Army Corps of engineers. So, what have you done that is useful, other than talk bad about the military and collude with the insurgents.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Well, yes, I have. I was a Navy medic, ran ambulances, did ER trauma work, etc. The goo that was on my best friends face was his acne. It was really gross and I puked up a lung. He had these vicious whiteheads that would pop if you just touched them a little. Sometimes, they'd explode like a bomb. Yuck. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. I've seen my share of blood and guts and puss...lots of puss. Ugh.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

I am a father of four children and have two dogs and a wife with a weak stomache. I have definitely reached into a "pile of goo" - unidentifiable goo at that. So, there.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

Call me Ishmael or Wade or Dead Guy or Frank or George but not Dan or Eason or John but maybe Steve or Bob. Never call me Brian. That would turn out badly. You haven't even called me that and I'm getting mad about it. My mother calls me by all my brother's order. She just starts at the top with each of us and goes through the whole list until we answer. My wife calls me sweetheart, baby and asshole.

I'm so pretty, oh so pretty. I'm so pretty and witty and bright!

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